Cheese Pizza Is What’s Wrong With the World Today

TL;DR

Cheese pizza is the food equivalent of giving up. It’s lazy parenting, bland tradition, and gutless people-pleasing all wrapped into one greasy slice. If you don’t want to read the background, skip down a bit. But don’t pretend cheese pizza is real pizza.

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I hate cheese pizza. Not dislike—hate. And if that sounds dramatic, good. Because I’m sick of pretending it’s acceptable.

I love pizza. I love real pizza. Load it up—three or more toppings.

• Supreme? Perfection.
• Meat Lovers? Awesome.
• Anchovy, mushroom, and onion? Fantastic.
• Pineapple and Canadian bacon? Bring it.
• Sausage, onion, and green pepper? That was the go-to with my college roommates.
  Even veggie pizza? Totally in.

Now look, I personally don’t prefer a veggie pizza. I like meat! (and vegetables together). But I support vegetarians—at least they’re putting some damn toppings on it. That’s more than I can say for the cheese-only crowd.

Cheese pizza? It’s not pizza. It’s glorified garlic bread. It’s a cop-out.

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Join back here TL;DR people

You know why cheese pizza is everywhere? Because parents today are afraid.
Afraid to make their kids eat something they didn’t specifically ask for.
Afraid to have a backbone.

We’re raising a generation of precious little snowflakes who can’t handle a friggin’ topping on their slice. That’s my tagline, and I’m sticking to it.

“Little Jimmy can’t find one topping he can eat on a pizza? One? Out of a hundred possible toppings? Not one?”

God forbid we traumatize the kid by exposing him to a vegetable. Or a flavor. Or anything remotely outside his toddler-approved food list. We wouldn’t want to damage our little snowflake now, would we?

And look, I get it. Not everyone likes bell peppers.
If one kid frowns at a bell pepper, we cancel toppings for everyone? But seriously—a bell pepper?

That’s not inclusivity. That’s insanity.

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Here’s the thing: parenting means leading.

You wouldn’t let your kid eat candy for dinner, right?
So why let them demand the blandest, least nutritious version of a meal that already isn’t exactly health food?

Pizza’s not great for you to begin with—but it can be better.
Add veggies. Add protein. Make it count.
Sneak in the nutrients. Maybe they grow to like them. That’s called parenting.

But no. What do we get at every kid’s birthday party?
An avalanche of cheese pizza.

Because we’re terrified someone might be offended by pepperoni.

Meanwhile, every pepperoni and/or sausage pizza gets devoured, and the cheese is the sad stack left behind.
I’ve been to too many events where everything good is gone and all that’s left is the cheese pizza.
No chance I’m taking a slice.

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And if we’re really so afraid of offending people, let’s talk about the lactose intolerant.

Why aren’t we stacking pizzas with no cheese and only toppings?
If we’re bending over backward to not upset anyone, where’s their safe slice?

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This obsession with cheese-only pizza isn’t about taste. It’s about cowardice.

We don’t want to upset anyone.
We don’t want confrontation.
We’d rather feed everyone the most boring, inoffensive thing possible than risk a kid frowning at a bell pepper.

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When I was a kid, if you went to someone’s house for dinner, you ate what was served and said thank you.
My father-in-law, as a child, once choked down an egg sandwich with ketchup on it—he hated it—but he ate it and said thank you.
That was the rule. Respect. Gratitude. Standards.

Now we’ve got parents making entire party food orders around one picky eater.
Why? Because we’ve forgotten how to say:

“Eat it or go hungry.”

It’s not abuse. It’s how you raise flexible, respectful humans.

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So yeah, maybe I care too much. But it’s the principle.

The best man at my wedding, god rest his soul—loved this Aaron Tippin song:

“You’ve Got to Stand for Something.”

And I do. I stand for parents showing their kids what’s right, and having a damn backbone.
I stand against the virus of snowflake kids and the mountain of cheese pizzas shoved down our throats at every party.

And I’ll thank my dad for playing Hank Williams Jr.’s
“The Coalition to Ban Coalitions” for me when I was a kid. That one stuck with me to reprent the malarki in this world. Let’s get back to a more traditional America!

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So please—stop buying cheese pizza for your kids, my kids and at gatherings.

Make your kid eat his or her veggies.
And anyone that’s offended? They’re wrong—and they should rethink their life choices.

You’ve got to stand for something, or you will fall for anything.